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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27582977">the murmur of the lands</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inky_Pens/pseuds/Inky_Pens'>Inky_Pens</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Folk of the Air - Holly Black</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Death, Sad Ending, Terminal Illnesses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:02:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,539</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27582977</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inky_Pens/pseuds/Inky_Pens</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Please mind the tags and take care. </p><p>Cardan promises his estranged wife a year and a day chronicling the last moments of her life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jude Duarte/Cardan Greenbriar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>66</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the murmur of the lands</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I cannot overstate this enough; please mind the tags. I certainly know this isn't everyone's cup of tea, particularly in a pandemic, but oftentimes we write things from odd places, and this was one of them. It was a particular kind of exercise in cathartic writing.</p><p>I will be honest that there is not a significant amount of brevity. It's mostly just devastating.  But I hope there's something cathartic or beautiful you find in it all the same.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I made you a promise. One year and a day, like you once gave me.</p><p> </p><p><em>365</em> </p><p>It took me thirteen hours to sober up. Another seven hours to pull myself off the floor. Another four hours to work up the courage to see you.</p><p>I thought you looked just as I remembered, even though your sisters warned me otherwise. I thought you looked like what I’d heard the mortals call <em>heaven</em>. But then, you had always been my salvation.</p><p>I didn’t notice the dark circles under your eyes. Maybe I never noticed them before then either. I didn’t see the way your cheeks had sunken slightly, putting angles on your face where there had once been a youthful roundness. Your lips were dry, but when you drew the bottom one between your teeth, I still wanted to kiss them senseless. I think you would have let me.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>363</em>
</p><p>I told you everything today. I told you about the anger I felt when you killed my brother, making Elfhame well and truly my sole responsibility. I told you how scared I was. How I resented you for my own incompetency. I told you about the exile—how foolish I was to think such a cruel trick from a cruel boy would be taken any other way.</p><p>I told you I love you.</p><p>You said you forgive me. Would you still, if you knew that for the briefest moment after your departure, I was relieved you were gone? Elfhame has a way of killing its most loyal from the inside out. But now your body is taking what Elfhame could not. I thought…. I had hoped I saved you from such a fate, dying too young. When you didn’t return to Elfhame, when you never wrote a single letter back after the hundreds I wrote you—I now know this was my mother’s doing— I believed you found the happiness you had long earned. That’s why I didn’t follow you. I couldn’t interfere. I never imagined you suffering, withering away.</p><p>Vivi said there were some good months. In the first year, you were running errands for the Folk living among the mortals—I can’t believe you fought Grima Mog and <em>won</em>. You are absolutely mental, Jude. But when the cancer came…it just isn’t fair. I’m going to find the best Healers in Elfhame to fix this, Jude. There has to be some kind of magic that will undo this. I know you don’t believe it, but you always did underestimate me. You’ll see.</p><p> </p><p><em>348</em> </p><p>The hospital is a strange place. There’s so much of it. It’s bigger than the palace! I like the glass cases with the food in bags. You can get all kinds of flavors of food from a single glass case. Heather gave me coins with which to purchase all these items. The bright orange crunchy worms are your favorite, though I disagree they taste anything like the cheeses we have. I quite liked the sweets, and I could not pick a favorite no matter how many times you asked.</p><p>I could tell Vivi was annoyed with me, but what did she expect? We just sat around waiting for hours. Do they not know how special we are, Jude? We are King and Queen of Faerie. Taryn said that does not mean anything here in this world, and that is why I think you should come back home. Our land would know your name. It would take care of you.</p><p><em>I </em>could take care of you from Elfhame. We have servants to get you everything you could desire or need. They would run your baths. You wouldn’t have to struggle up and down the steps like you do in your apartment. I would have them carry you. I just think it would be better for us, Jude. I feel so lost here.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>345</em>
</p><p>Forty-eight hours without you, and it already feels so wrong. How did I survive three years?</p><p>I didn’t tell your friends of the news, and they’re too polite to ask how my trip went. Even Van, who is arguably the nosiest being I’ve ever met.</p><p>Your father is still trying to stage a coup. I’ll admit I don’t know enough about your relationship with him, not before and certainly not now, but you would think he has more pressing concerns than stealing my throne. Your throne, too, as it were. Unless you didn’t tell him, which of course, complicates things. Would you want him there by your side? If he would be a source of comfort—though hard to believe, I’m sorry to say—then I would arrange to meet with him to tell him such. l will bring this up to you when I return, which should be in a few days’ time.</p><p>Van has received intelligence that the Court of Teeth are pledging their loyalties to Madoc. I suspect the traitors hope to marry off their child-queen to Oak. If you aren’t familiar, Lord Jarel and Lady Nore’s daughter Suren is their queen, and she can’t be more than 13. They keep the girl restrained, rarely letting her out in public and never letting her out of their sight when they do. She has the most horrific scars. On her head they’ve sewn in a diadem; I’m surprised you did not come up with such a solution to keep my crown on. Through her wrist—yes, <em>through </em>her wrist—they’ve fastened a chain that Lady Nore is always tugging, but don’t worry, it is of the finest spun gold, and the bar that keeps her anchored to her captors is studded with black diamonds. But lest you think a queen could not look more grotesque, they have the girl’s face secured with a bridle that has settled so deeply into her cheeks and mouth that the skin almost looks to have formed <em>around </em>it.</p><p>But guess who was once their general?</p><p>None other than the new Grand General of Elfhame herself. You have left quite the impression on her, Jude. Grima Mog accepted the position after much haranguing, but still accepted it with a fierce loyalty nonetheless. It was such a brilliant idea of yours. You make a better queen than I ever could king.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>300</em>
</p><p>Jude—I. I don’t know where to begin. I was supposed to be back a week ago, but everything with Taryn and Locke happened, and I… Did you know? Did you help her? Stars, Jude. What a fucking mess this is. They’re calling for her execution. Vivi is on my dick about clearing her name but how could I? They all suspect her. Of course Taryn did something so selfish and stupid when you’re <em>dyi</em>—when I needed to get back to you most. The foolish, pathetic, simpering girl fucking did it when she realized she was never going to win at his games. She got fucking bamboozled like an absolute idiot. I think half the things he did was just to see how far he could go. It ways always that way with Locke, and I don’t pity your sister--after all, her betrayals somehow bested mine in sheer volume alone—but this is HER mess. Her fucking mess that I’m tasked with cleaning up when all I want to do is be at your side. I don’t have enough time with you as it is. Every fucking day is one more day, one day less.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>280</em>
</p><p>I missed you so much. You seem to be doing better than last time. Vivi thought so, too. Even Oak said you looked happy, and he can’t lie, you know. I hope that’s true—that you’re happy. I worry. That maybe you’re putting on a good show, the masterful liar that you are, but then you let me touch you tonight. Asked me for more, and when I wanted to go gently and savor the feeling of your body beneath mine finally, <em>finally,</em> or your skin against my tongue, you <em>demanded</em> harder, faster. It was the best sex of my life. Watching you fall apart underneath me was a sight I can’t wait to see again.</p><p>Alas, you’ve only slept two hours, so I suppose I will wait just a little longer.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>275</em>
</p><p>I don’t know why you shout at me as if <em>I’m </em>to blame for your sickness. Screaming and throwing things like a drunken ogre over the smallest things that I cannot control. I can’t tilt the world on a different axis, Jude. I don’t know what you want me to do here. I don’t know how <em>be</em> here. No one listens to me. I can’t make anyone do anything. These are foreign concepts to me. You keep saying I’ll adjust, but do I even want to?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>274</em>
</p><p>It was the fifth bad day in a row. That’s what we’re calling them now when you’re not like yourself. The screaming and cursing was… well, I’ve never seen anything like it. You really scared your sisters. We are all doing our best to help you, but how much more can we do? Fuck, I’m trying to run a kingdom and be back in time for your doctor appointments, and there are <em>so</em> fucking many now.</p><p>It’s just that you brandish anger as a weapon sharper than any sword you’ve ever carried, my love. I only wish I learned how to defend myself against it sooner.</p><p>I’ll be back soon. I think we needed some space, and traveling back and forth so much is taking its toll—on all of us. Elfhame suffers the neglect. The attacks by your father are becoming more flagrantly rebellious…you won’t even hear about that.</p><p>Besides, the apartment is small and crowded with your sisters and Oak there, and with a coup at the doorstep, the palace is no longer a safe option for you—not that you ever bothered to entertain the idea, anyway.</p><p>You get to have the bed to yourself again for a little while. You can claim as much of the blankets as you like, though you’ll have no one to kick, I’m afraid.</p><p>I’ll be back sooner than you could possibly miss me, but I hope you’ll think of me all the same.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>265</em>
</p><p>I hate the hospital. I hate them more than you do. They’re cold, and the mortals are either moving too slow or too fast. And they smell.</p><p> </p><p><em>258</em> </p><p>This can’t be happening. You were fine a week ago. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand any of this, and no one told me what would happen and Vivi said you had been getting better—she can’t lie, Jude, so this doesn’t make any sense. You were here, and you were talking, and you were—and I hate what they’ve done to you. The wires and the fucking tubes. It’s…it’s barbaric and ugly. I can’t stand to look at it, which means it is hard to look at you, but every time I close my eyes I wonder if that’s that the last time I’ll see you alive, so you see, I have to endure the sight of your suffering every second. I don’t know how mortals are made to withstand this.</p><p>None of this would have happened in Elfhame. If you would only have come home. If I had never sent you away. But now the cancer is in you, and they say it is even in your <em>bones</em>. How is that even possible? Vivi said it’s like a poison from within, but poisons have antidotes so why aren’t they giving you the right ones? All the shit they keep putting in your body every day,and everything you have been taking all this time, and none of it was the right antidote. Why isn’t all this shit working? You’ve been coming here for months and none of this shit is fucking working, and I’m supposed to sit here beside you and wait. That’s what they keep saying. “We’ll wait to see how she responds.” “It’s a waiting game now.”</p><p>What part of this is a game?!! They’re talking about your LIFE like anything else is a fucking option. Gods. Gods and stars and whoever else I need to beg to make this stop.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>257</em>
</p><p>I hate the new stuff they have given you. It makes you sleepy and strange. Like you are drunk on Never.</p><p>The t v in your hospital room doesn’t have the one with the spinning wheel game. That one’s my favorite. I don’t know how to make it appear. See, this is why I need you. You would know how to fix it, and you would roll your eyes and insult me while doing it.</p><p>I need you to come back to me, Jude.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>255</em>
</p><p>Today you were more like yourself. Today we talked about <em>Before</em>. Even the ugly parts. How awful I was to you. What an entitled prick I’d been. Valerian. Your missing fingertip. My scars.</p><p>But we talked about nice parts, too. The most awkward sex I ever had (you seemed too gleeful to know that it was with Nicasia). Madoc teaching you to sword fight, and the practices you had with him and Taryn. Vivi sneaking mortal sweets to you and your favorite pair of denim shorts (I like them too). Your favorite soup that Tatterfell would make. How you got that old, wretched woman to do anything other than complain is magic itself. She’s still at the palace, you know. She’s never offered to make <em>me</em> soup. Mostly she just picks up after me and orders my staff around.</p><p>Vivi found a way to put the wheel game on the t v. We watched it four times. You always got the answer right.</p><p>Today was a good day.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>253</em>
</p><p>They’re sending you home today. This was supposed to be good news. I thought this was what we were waiting for.</p><p>So why is everyone so sad?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>250</em>
</p><p>You fucking bitch. You signed it and never told me. <em>Do not resu—</em>I don’t know how to spell it. The thing that allows them to let you fucking die and I can’t even fucking name it.</p><p>How could you do this? You never talked to me about it. Not once. Not even—What am I supposed to do now? More sitting, more waiting. Elfhame is in fucking SHAMBLES, and the only thing holding me together has been you getting through this, and then you go and sign it away. Your signature isn’t even fucking nice. It’s a mess. You were in pain when you signed it, and you weren’t thinking clearly, and you can tell them take it back now. Did you even sign it or one of your sisters sign it for you? Did they make you sign it? Did the doctors make you sign it?</p><p>I’ll make them undo it. I’ll glamour them all if I have to.</p><p>So you get to make decisions about your life, and I’m just supposed to accept it? I’m your husband. <em>Husband</em>. Don’t I get a say, too? Don’t I get to decide when I say goodbye?</p><p> </p><p><strike> <em>249</em> </strike> <em> 248</em></p><p>I though it was yesterday, but time has been strange. I cannot recall when I last slept. I’m too afraid. Afraid you won’t be here when I wake up. Afraid they’ll take you from me. Afraid once I close my eyes, I’ll never open them. Afraid if I don’r memorize every line, every dimple, every inch of your face—the way it curves and how your eyes crinkle when you smile. The way they get brighter when you look at Oak. How your lips purse when you stop yourself from saying something. How your nose twitches when Vivi smokes in the room. I am going to memorize it all.</p><p>If I am unlucky enough to live forever, then I will do so with the memory of your face as you look at me. With all the warmth and wonderment of a woman in love. I’m a fool for never noticing it sooner. It’s the only thing I see now.</p><p>Today, we talked about the <em>After</em>. It was not a long conversation. I don’t know what an <em>After </em>looks like without you in it. Even in the years I didn’t have you, I always thought I did. You were always with me, even when you weren’t. I’m afraid you always will be.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>241</em>
</p><p>You come home to Elfhame today. It’s not how you were supposed to come home. But it’s an honor all the same.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>28</em>
</p><p>My love. It’s been… a very long time. I had to count the days again. I stopped doing that after….well, after.</p><p>We’re in the <em>After</em> now.</p><p>Vivi and Heather went back to the mortal realm. Madoc and Orianna went with them. I know. I was surprised, too. But when I came back—when we came back to Elfhame, I didn’t come back the same man, least of all the same king. Perhaps that was enough for your father. Or perhaps he found himself a broken man, too.</p><p>I’ve promoted our Court to more official positions—oh, the Ghost is back with us. He explained the dreadfully long and boring story about his true name, with Taryn’s influence. I haven’t seen your twin since <em>that </em>day. It’s too hard to look at her and not see you, but then again, I see you in so much these days. I suspect she is suffering that grief in ways I’ll never understand. I did officially clear her name and gift her the land of both Madoc’s and Locke’s estates, renaming it in your honor. The Duarte estate. Her and Larkin live there, though Vivi comes to visit every now and then.</p><p>She comes to see me, too, and she brings me all your favorite foods and mine every time. Like the cheese worms. We talk about you. It’s the only time I drink now, but it helps to let the anguish out in bursts that way. And then I arise the next day and resume the toils of running this damn kingdom you left me.</p><p>Every day, I try to be the king you saw in me. The one you’d hoped for when you put the crown on my head. But better than you could have imagined. Better because of you.</p><p>In a way, it feels like the apology I owed you a long time ago, so it’s what gets me through the days. They go so slowly now, which feels unkind of the fates. What I would give to have one of these dreadfully slow days with you.</p><p>I miss you more and more each day. I love you more than the last.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>0</em>
</p><p>Well, sweet Jude, this is it. A year and a day, as promised. You didn’t quite hold up your end of the deal, huh? But you did give me everything you had and most days…most days, it is enough.</p><p>Today, I went to visit you. Vivi was there. So were Madoc and Oak. And Taryn, too. For the first time, I embraced her. She is still my sister-in-law after all. She’s done something with her hair, glamoured her eyes, too, so really it’s not that bad.</p><p>Everyone brought flowers, but they needn’t have. I grew a whole orchard for you.</p><p>When I came home, Tatterfell had made your favorite soup. Gods know what I’ve done to earn her loyalty, but I credit her affection towards you. She misses you, too.</p><p>Next month is the Hunter’s Moon revel, the first revel of the season. I am thinking of inviting your sisters to stay at the palace, in your apartments. I have not been in there since you left, but I think it is time to start somewhere. I don’t think I could bring myself to discover whether your scent is different from my memory, if it is still there at all. Tatterfell keeps the rooms clean and free of dust and disturbance. I think I just liked the idea of keeping a piece of you intact. But it is time to start letting the pieces go.</p><p>I did receive pictures of you today. Vivi had them made. She must have taken so many. I wonder if she knew then… or maybe she just wanted to capture the good moments when they came. There is one of you and me that sits next to our bed. Your head was in my lap, and my fingers were stroking your hair. We were watching our show, and I remember it was a puzzle I finally knew.</p><p>I was just about to give the answer, only two letters in, when you looked up at me and smiled. It was a private sort of smile, and I never could quite place it. You didn’t get the chance to explain it to me either. You gave the answer before I could.</p><p>“Alice in Wonderland.”</p><p>So I’ll leave you with this, from the sequel we never got to have.</p><p>“<em>She who saves a single soul, saves the universe.</em>”</p><p>As long as I live, which may be a very, very long time, I will never forget what you did for Elfhame.</p><p>Nor what you did for me.</p>
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